Yom Kippur: Shofar Sho Good

The great thing about the previous post is that I finished it at pretty much the height of sickness-induced haze. I left work early yesterday to recuperate and ended up passing out for two hours before going to temple with la Mer. During this fitful sleep I saw visions of white text on a black background scrolling to infinity as I did useless build after build (what I’m doing at work). I feel I should somehow be able to bill for those hours.

The service was interesting – this is only my second time. I found the minor-key, westernized Middle-East sounding songs to be quite beautiful. Standing for over an hour was fine and my state of health helped me to blend in as I was naturally swaying. I also found the story of the Rabbi that met with Elija in the Garden of Eden humorous. The Rabbi complains to Elija that he is poor and cannot sufficiently study the Torah because he is overly occupied making a living. Elijah takes him to the Garden of Eden and the rabbi fills his shawl with leaves and the sweet scent persists on the fabric. The Rabbi then takes the shawl –this priceless religious artifact– and sells it for twelve-thousand Dinars. I imagined the transaction going something like this:

Rabbi: I’ve got a priceless shawl which has cradled the leaves from the very Garden of Eden! You would like to buy it, yes?
Person: Perhaps I am interested. For what would you sell such a shawl?
Rabbi: 20,000 dinars.
Person: Ach! My cousin could find such a shawl for 7,000.
Rabbi: 7,000? That is an insult! It is worth 18,000 at the least.
Person: The quality of the fabric, it is not so good. I could maybe see that it is worth 10,000
Rabbi: Please! I have a wife and children to consider. Shawls so good do not fall from the sky! 12,000!
Person: My friend, it is a deal! Let us now make a bowl of olive oil sprinkled with sage and wipe it on our beards as tradition dictates.

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  1. Dude, don’t buy that shit unless you get it authenticated by a Christie’s expert. I fell for the ole buying a Garden-of-Eden-leaf-scented-robe out of the back of a van once, and I ain’t fallin for it again. If you do buy one, make sure you check the Kelley Blue Book. Garden-of-Eden-leaf-scented-robe salesman are snakes, I’m tellin you. They would overcharge their own significant others for unauthorized apples. Wait, now I’m mixing religions. Good thing I’m not (former Calypso singer) Louis Farrakhan or I would say something about Elija(h). At least there’s one thing all religions can agree on: homosexuals must be pelted with stones. Now go’on, getoutahere and find a sodomite and/or glutton to smite.

    See how well Unitarianism prepares you to discuss all the world’s religions?

    Tune in next week for my commentary on Nero and his repressed Zoroastrian tendencies.

    What? I don’t understand this comment.

  2. Ok, so you’ve celebrated Passover, RH and now YK this year and you’re not even Jewish… Why is it that I suddenly feel guilty? I suppose the obvious answer is I am Jewish so of course I feel guilty. And then there is the fact that aside from painting dreidels (with you- I might add) I’ve celebrated nothing. I feel a New Year’s resolution coming on- if only I would have celebrated it…

  3. Pshh, I’ve been selling fragrant holy shawls for years and I never went above 8,000 denari. That’s how you ensure repeat business, my friend…bargains on quality goods!

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