An Awkward Thing

“Hey, man, I wanna talk to you. Why would you say that about my wife?”

In a situation like this it was best to go on the offense.

“Thing is, point blank, your wife looks pregnant and I feel it’s my responsibility as a bartender to not serve anyone who is. It’s not an easy question to ask someone, but I’d rather be an asshole and ask than to risk harm to some unborn baby.”

“Oh. All right. I guess thanks fer lookin’ out fer us.”

Then I went too far.

“And I’ve gotta say, that shirt she’s wearing just makes her look…” And I couldn’t even finish. I knew there was nothing I could say from that instant on that could reverse the tsunami of awkwardness. The same tidal-force that would lead her to shredding and burning the blouse then snuffing the fire with her sobby tears.

Update: Leigh emailed me this pic a while back, but I’m just now getting to uploading it. This isn’t the exact top, but it’ll help give you an idea why I thought the girl was pregnant.

pregnant top

Join the Conversation


  1. Firstly: You callous beast!
    Now, if you could only say something humiliating enough to make girls incinerate their terrible gauchos (looking possibly preggers is nothing compared to what those will do to you).
    Brian, use that bawdy insensitivity for fashion good!

  2. Was it one of those shirt that cinches up just under the bosom and billows out the rest of the way down? (I’ve never seen a chick wear one that didn’t at least end up looking like she was nearing the beginning of her second trimester)

  3. You pretty much described it, Ashley, save for one detail: the shirt also cinched around the waist. What fashion designer would do that kind of thing to a woman?

  4. whaaaaaaaaaaaa? I’ve never seen such a thing. Gah! What a terrible development! I assumed those rags would go out of style, not mutate into another horrid entity.

    Darn it!

  5. YOu are such a fucking jerk. It’s not your business first of all even if she WAS pregnant… that’s her and her baby’s problem, not yours. SEcond, you are really derogatory towards overweight people on more than one occasion in this blog, and it’s just a prejudice. It’s like being racist. Someone needs to smack your ass.

  6. Yes, Dona, and I suppose if I saw a woman hitting her newborn then that’s her and her baby’s problem as well.

  7. Um, as coincidence would have it I just stumbled upon this blog entry again and I strongly, strongly feel that I have no comment on this subject.

  8. Upon further reflection, I have only one question. How can a shirt be cinched in more than one place? I thought cinching was kind of a one-shot deal. If you cinch the shirt below the bosom, how can you cinch it again above the waist? Maybe I just don’t cinch much and don’t know my cinching.

    As for a real comment, sure, it is safe to say that Brian was an insensitive brute (synonym: man). However, at least he’s doing his part to take this hideous fashion off the street. Whatever that fashion designer (or independent fashion-minded dresser or perhaps non-fashion-minded dresser) was smoking, I definitely DON’T want any.

    OK, maybe just a toke.

    Yeuck. cough cough vommit

    p.s. Always good to have an excuse to write the word “bosom.” Brian — give me some more excuses to use this underrated word.

  9. GWKCHNOBB, you can have some of my opinions if you like.

    On Pregnancy and Substance Use:
    I think it is a bartender’s prerogative if not outright responsibility to ensure that a woman he/she is serving is not pregnant. Usually I’m resolutely in the “mind your own business” camp, but in this case, a choice does not only effect the woman who is making it, but also potentially effects a developing baby who has no input regarding the actions of it’s mother.
    I’m pro-choice, but it makes me angry when women who are committed to having a child refuse to change their behavior. Drinking – or smoking for that matter – while you are pregnant? Unacceptable.

    On Cinching:
    I wonder if the eighties revival that is currently causing many perfectly charming pieces of clothing to be cinched (multiple times!) in the most unattractive of places will eventually lead to a resurrection of the scrunchy. Doubtful, I suppose. SATC has probably killed that accessory off for good.

    On “Bosom:”
    A little squirm inducing but OK if kept in the singular.

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