Autofellation

I think if this Wired author had been more flexible we’d have been spared this article as he would have been too occupied sucking his own dick.

“So the next time a bum tries to cadge a buck out of you, at least have the courtesy to pull the earbuds out and engage him as a fellow human being. Don’t give him any money if you don’t want to. But acknowledge him. He’s not a blot on your aesthetic little world.”

I am willing to treat people like humans if they do so in kind. Most beggars have no interest “engag[ing you] as a fellow human being.” Passers-by are objectified as walking sources of money, and I see no reason to extend any human gesture at such times.

Of course, there are times to be good and nice and human, but not all the time.

31 Responses to “Autofellation”

  1. anonymous says:

    ahhh….there’s that selective humanitarianism again! love it!

  2. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    Us anthropology types might note though that sometimes this kind of moralistic philosophizing is a privilege of the well-off. If you’re homeless and miserable you might not be making abstract points about how important it is to engage and connect with one’s fellow human being. It’s possible you’re more likely thinking, “I’m really fucking hungry, and I’m really fucking miserable. What I could use right now is a couple of bucks for a burger and a 40.”

    The best way to reach out to a homeless guy is to slap him a few times, and shake him back and forth while shouting, “C’mon, man! Wake up! Get ahold of yourself!”

    He’ll probably say something like, “Holy shit! I’m homeless. How the fuck…?” Within a few months he’ll back in suburban-detached-numbness bliss, working a lame nine-to-five job and drinking much higher grade (socially acceptable) alcohol to forget. Plus, when he walks down the street yelling weird shit he’ll have a Bluetooth thing in his ear.

    And the homeless guy lives happily ever after. Well, somewhere along the line he joins Fight Club.

  3. leigh says:

    did you delete my comment? you bastard!

  4. leigh says:

    oh wait, maybe you just moved it. i still can’t see the pumpkin. If you moved one letter in your name, you’d be Brain Risk. lol.

  5. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  6. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    OK, I have no idea why the spam filter cracked down on my last comment. It’s getting really ruthless — either that, or everything I write is spam.

  7. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    from the clipboard —

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  8. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    from the clipboard (with my anti-spam-filter defense) —

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  9. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    from the clipboard (with my anti-spam-filter defense) —

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  10. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    from the clipboard (with my anti-spam-filter defense) —

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  11. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    from the clipboard (with my anti-spam-filter defense) —

    Here’s my rule of thumb… If a bum doesn’t have the good business sense to dress in a full suit and tie, he ain’t getting a dime. Even better, if you want money from me, then give me something in the deal — like say, a slice of pizza or something. You dress in a business suit (and not a cheap one either!) and give me a slice of pizza, then we’ll talk about that pocket change you want from me.

  12. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    Now let’s see if I can figure out which word it filtered. Whatever it is, you’ll laugh.

  13. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    pizza

  14. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    bum

  15. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    business

  16. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    thumb

  17. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    money

  18. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    change

  19. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    pocket

  20. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    deal

  21. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    dime

  22. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    dress

  23. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    want money
    good business sense
    pocket change

  24. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    I give up. The spam filter is just on crack.

  25. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    if you want money

  26. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    rule of thumb

  27. M says:

    Bums nothing. It’s these comments that are the blots.

  28. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    cheap

  29. guy who keeps changing his name on brian's blog says:

    I figured it out! Somehow before I missed cheap.

    So don’t try typing “cheap penis casino” cause your comment ain’t gonna make it.

    “M,” don’t say that about your comments. Your comments are valid and worthwhile, and anything but “blots.” Don’t sell yourself short.

  30. […] On a semi-related note, you do one blog post titled “Autofellation” and suddenly you’re an authority on the subject. I imagine droves of people expecting pictures of hinge-backed dudes being very disappointed. “What the hell is this shit? Some pansy whining about how he doesn’t like being treated like a cash machine? The nerve of that motherfucker.” Permalink • Print • Email […]

  31. Tony says:

    If his own family and friends won’t give him any money, why the hel should I?

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