Senators, please, listen! You’ve voiced your doubts before, but I am here, before you now, with hard facts! We’re beginning to see the first signs that Dr. Ableson’s theories are true! What senator Goldtwhat called “crack-pot science” is here at out doorstep!
Ladies and gentlemen of the senate, I have undeniable proof that global warming is shifting our planet so drastically that summer blockbusters are coming earlier and earlier. Without a call to immediate action by congress we could be seeing the next “Indiana Jones” at Christmas.
Look at the evidence. Slide one, please, Kathy.
Historically awesome, action-packed adventures and crowd-pleasing comedies were released mid-June to August.
Slide two. We had our first real indicator that something was seriously out of alignment when “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” came in late may of 2004. Late May, people! The Harry Potter films are classically winter movies released to coincide with the holidays. It was then that Dr. Ableson first proposed a detailed investigation, but it was shot down in congress thanks to you, senator Goldthwait! You needlessly destroyed my mentor’s career with your band of nay-saying yes-men.
Slide three, please. “Blades of Glory”. A feel-good, Will Ferrell romp costarring the wholesome Napoleon Dynamite lead… came out this early April of this year.
Slide four. A non-stop adrenaline rush titled “300” was spotted in theaters… this March.
These are not projections. These are not estimates. What I bring before you are the facts, plain and simple. As reasonable men and women you must see that this presents a serious threat to the livelihood of our country… of our world! Without immediate action this shift could upset the delicate cycle of soda, popcorn and Milk Dud sales that have been the backbone of our economy since Sumerian times!
There’s hope. Things are not entirely lost. So long as we can delay the release of “Spiderman 3” until… What’s that senator? No… are you insane? “Spiderman 3” is coming in early May? You arrogant simpleton! You’ll kill us all!