Kid Names

I’ve never really thought of what I’d like to name a baby if it were a boy


“Max Risk” sounds like a comic book character.

Jewish people often just name their kids after dead relatives.

“You don’t vant to name your child ‘Shalom-muckduck-shalom’? Vaht? It’s a poifectly good name! Ay, you’re killing me! ”

“Your great grandmother -may she rest in peace- will roll over in her grave if you don’t use the name of your late great grandfather. He came to america with nothing, nothing!”

And so on.

Maybe if the name were, you know, fucked up in that white-trash Americans can fuck up a name. “Bat-Ami” just needs an extra ‘i’ and… voila: Batamii. Now that’s Britnee-rific.

“Adiva” becomes “Adeevuh”.

Actually, “Adiva” is perfect to begin with.

“Aziza”, now there’s a palindrome I like!

Back to “Bat-Ami”: I think “B-Tami” would be a good direction to take that.

Join the Conversation


  1. “High” (H.I.), after the guy in Raising Arizona, would also work well for your kid.

  2. Really, if he came to this country with nothing, he is good at doing a lot with nothing…so I think that’s what he would want from us — nothing.

    “You have reached the level of…ungrateful grandchild.”
    –video game on The Simpsons

  3. G-WKCHNOBB (now, there’s a name!),

    I love my great grand fathers! And their names!

    FYI “Guy,” I am a very grateful grandchild. Even in the face of Norman Rockwell commemorative plates + Wild Turkey / Jewish-naming-ritual guilt trips + Gefilte Fish, I maintain unfailingly lovely composure. So…so there!

  4. In response to, “Seriously, why does ‘M’ hate her great grandfather?” we also would have accepted, “OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! LEADING THE WITNESS!”

    Objection overruled! “M”‘s great grandfather came to this country with nothing — nothing!

    The judge also confided in me that he thinks “M” is a shmendrik and a tsatskele. I didn’t catch everything but he said something about “you should be so lucky” and “what kind of ainikle would do such a thing?”

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