White Elephants

“I got you some presents,” Cynthia says, popping into my cube.

“What are they?”

“Read the card!”

[it says something about spa gifts.] The first gift is the size of a burrito; the kind of burrito a 300 pound texan would eat on a dare. It’s one liter of Head’n’shoulders.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” I ask.

“It was for our dog, but we couldn’t use it because the dog’s skin is sensitive.”

“No, I totally understand. No one wants a dog with a little snow on the mountain.”

“Yeah. Open the others.”

A used candle and a half empty bottle of baby lotion. I open the lotion and we both laugh that the lid is crusted with months old phlegm’o’aloe.

“That reminds me of a mucus plug,” Cynthia offers. “Do you know what a mucus plug is? It’s one of God’s most disgusting inventions.”

“This sound like a job for Google image search,” I say, pulling up the page. “Oh yeah. That belongs on a half-shell.”

Later that night I’m cleaning up after Eddie from Ohio and find fresh holes punched in the mens room wall. What kind of adult-contemporary fan could possibly be driven to do this? If I had to venture a guess, I’d say it was Scocca. That raging motherfucker was high on PCP if I’ve ever seen someone high on PCP. I could see that one song about the Rocky Mountains sending him into a primal berserker fury.

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  1. Brian is so freakin’ hilarious…pee-your-pant hilarious. I absolutely love talking to him cause I can tell him about anything including mucus plugs (I hate the words plug, moist, and tube) and he’ll appreciate it. It should be noted; however, that I’ve never seen a mucous plug in real life. I had a c-section…

  2. Brian is the funniest ever. All of you searching for autofellation should buy tasteless Naughty Claus stamps:

    while i’m waiting for some job options to come through, i am broke as shit, so i created this extremely base, tasteless, but kinda cute Naughty Clause character and put him all over merch. you can even get Naughty Clause STAMPS for your xmas cards! so help a sista out and by something 🙂 at my online store here:


    sorry brian for spamming you blog. you can spam mine!

  3. Guys, look out for my upcoming book, Do Dogs Have Shoulders? (and 1000 Other zAnY Questions Answered).

    It will be filed under Blog. Guy Blog.

  4. Brian, sorry for spamming your blog. You can spam mi…wait…I don’t have one… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    ha ha ha ha ha ha

    ha ha

    oh, man

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


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