I found a note on my car this morning.

GENIUS,
NOW I CAN’T PARK HERE
FOR WORK
THANKS,
ASSHOLE

Yes, I don’t live in that apartment complex, but I was in a visitors spot. I made sure of it. Now, I’ve seen people write letters that they then put under the windshield wipers of cars parked in their spaces. It is a delicate craft. You want to be cordial, polite, but firm. Filling that scrap piece of torn-off paper is a process that can take up to half an hour. Every word must be carefully considered.

The note I got was simple enough to be a follow up to To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Though a funny thing happened about halfway to work: I started doubting my original interpretation. I had assumed off the bat that I was being dually addressed as both GENIUS and ASSHOLE, but when I critically examine the content it kind of looks like it was signed ASSHOLE. With that perspective the entire meaning of the letter is up for question.

I saw the Rev. Jesse Jackson talking bout Michael Richards on the tv yesterday, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I’m sure it was along the lines of, “this really isn’t that big of a deal.”

Quiet + Beautiful = Mysterious.
Quiet + Unattractive = Creepy.

Last night I saw some people talking with Kevin at the door. Or rather, I saw Kevin talking to them and the expressions on their faces getting progressively more unhappy. The girl, in fact, looked on the verge of suicide. I think if she had had a knife, she would have gone off Elliott-Smith-style. They leave in a shuffle and I go over to ask. “God told us to tell you that he loves you,” they had said to Kevin to which Kevin responded with a five minute monologue on his non-belief. By the looks of it he may have converted them.

I just got a spam message that is sneaky enough that I feel I should warn others about its sneakiness. It poses as some sort of virtual post card or message:

Hello ,

A Greeting Card is waiting for you at our virtual post office! You can pick up your postcard at the following web address:

[the url is here]
visit E-Greetings at [again, the url]

and enter your pickup code, which is: a0190313376667

(Your postcard will be available for 60 days.)

Thing is, when you try to click on the URL, it doesn’t go where it is pointing. It goes to some windows application which does whoknowswhat to your machine. Keep in mind that most virtual post card places will let you know who the card is from. If it doesn’t don’t risk it, it could kill your computer.

Oy! Download The Office Rap!

If you haven’t heard the song by Bandway, you need to. Though for Cynthia (and seemingly half the others on third floor) it’s five days, so the song comes up a little short.

Last night I had a real Larry David moment: my change at a local coffee shop was six dollars. I dropped in a bill in the tip jar only to immediately notice that what was left in my hand was the one, not the five. I’d like to consider myself generous, but what am I, the Czar of Russia over here? Pure social awkwardness hit as my impulse was to reach in and fish out my five and replace it with a one, but as a bartender myself, I know that nothing makes bartenders more nervous and angry than someone going through their tip jar. I wait until my server is turned-around and occupied and successfully subbed the bills. Had I been Larry David, though, I would have been caught right in the act: “What the fuck? So you’re stealing from the tip jar, now are you? I got a mind to crack your head! Getthafuckouttahere!”

I’m seriously looking forward to this vacation. It’s not un-interrupted, though. The Red Cross knows right when your defenses are down to call.

thingz r soooo not good @ skewl. teh prblm iz i jus dont fit n. evry tim i gos 2 class ppl mak fun uf me n say shiz lik lozer an fag an shiz. even the lozers do that lol. i cant tak this wrld anymore and m gonna end it. evn if i dont get 2 play on a phat PS3. dont get me wrong. i <3 all my fam n peepz i hope u carry on. your gonna b all rite. dont doanything i wldnt do lolz. peece.

We walked with dolphins. (zoom in on the image and check out the length of that line!) They kept pace with us (or us with them) for the entire length of the beach.

After Zach Galifianakis it was not even midnight and the evening was beautiful–A cool, but oddly-warm-for-Fall night. The kind of night that I felt would taunt me if I didn’t get some sort of exercise in it. I had been decimated from the night before when the North Mississippi All Stars played up my ass for five hours, but the invigorating factor of the weather brought me back with renewed energy. I ended up doing three quick miles out at the UNC track with Mer in tow.

I’m looking forward to the beach weekend.

Aside:
A co-worker just stuck her head in my cube and whispers, “I just got a new car!”
“I just cleared up my gonorrhea!” I return. “We can both celebrate!”

Entirely Stolen from Creased Comics.

1. Little Shop Of Whores
2. Cock-O-Phile Dundee
3. Ca-ca Pile Undies
4. Sister Act
5. The Shawshanker Redemption
6. Holland’s Orifice
7. Robin Hood: Prince Of Queefs
8. Intercourse With A Vampire
9. Blue Vulvet
10. Invasion Of The Body Crappers
11. A River Runs From It
12. The Pee-On-Ist
13. The Never-Ending Orgy
14. Titty Slickers
15. The Deerhumper
16. Fill Bill
17. Meatballed
18. Oh! God Blew Devil
19. The Color Purple
20. The Felcher And The Snowman
21. She-Piss In Seattle
22. Splendor In The Ass
23. Above The Rim
24. Turn Her And Hooch
25. Cherry Sluts Of Fire
26. Silkwood
27. The Royal Tender Bums
28. Cock, Cock And Two Smoking Hair Holes
29. Peepee Hollow
30. Deep Impact
31. Who’s Eating Gilbert’s Taint
32. Ram Beau
33. Sploog Jack Titty
34. Beetlejuice
35. The Ass Menagerie
36. Waiting To Impale
37. Big Doubles In Little ‘Gina
38. How Stella Got Her Groove Packed (ed: classic!)
39. Back To The Felcher
40. The Punisher
41. The Pussy Of The Christ
42. Home Alone
43. The Grinch that Gained Inches
44. Goat Busters
45. A Clit Worked Orange
46. Eternal Cumshine On A Spotless Behind (ed: oh, the cumshine!)
47. A-Pocket-Clit Now
48. Butch Pussy And The Sun Drenched Clit
49. Stand In Me
50. Black Cock Down
51. Pulp Friction
52. Cherry Poppins
53. The Lion, The Witch, And Them Fucking (ed: probably my fave.)
54. Whorro
55. The Whole Nine Yards
56. An Orficer And A Genitalman
57. Twin Peaks
58. Octopussy
59. Fist Of Fury
60. In The Mouth Of Madness
61. Three Men And A Baby
62. BIG
63. The Firm
64. Girl With The Pearl Necklace
65. Red Eye
66. Anals In The Outfield
67. While You Were Sleeping
68. Free Willy
69. Well Cummed Back Kotter
70. You Got Served
71. 21 Hump Street
72. The Italian Job
73. Joe Nurses The Volcano
74. Orifice Space
75. The Unbearable Hotness Of Peeing

People started walking out of the theater for the testicles-on-face scene in Borat. “This is too much for us to take,” mumbles one guy furtively glancing at the screen as his girlfriend leads him out. (Which is the one that couldn’t take it?) We met a pretty mild couple at the Cheesecake Factory that were going to see the film. (Just saying the name of that restaurant makes me cringe — it rings of “Home Depot” , “Bed Bath & Beyond” and other yuppie-suburban weekend activities.) Turns out that couple was also going to the Gob Iron show the next night so when I saw them next I asked them about the film. The girl spoke in such a way that you could see she was reliving the experience like it was still fresh in her mind. That qualifies the film a success.

Saturday, Mer and I visited the North Carolina Museum of Art, but didn’t go inside: the NC Fall was gorgeous! We hiked around their greenways instead of seeing Monet. Praying Manti were all over!

Yesterday my program finished reformatting the Netflix data… a process which took over a week for the computer to complete.