I found a note on my car this morning.
GENIUS,
NOW I CAN’T PARK HERE
FOR WORK
THANKS,
ASSHOLE
Yes, I don’t live in that apartment complex, but I was in a visitors spot. I made sure of it. Now, I’ve seen people write letters that they then put under the windshield wipers of cars parked in their spaces. It is a delicate craft. You want to be cordial, polite, but firm. Filling that scrap piece of torn-off paper is a process that can take up to half an hour. Every word must be carefully considered.
The note I got was simple enough to be a follow up to To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Though a funny thing happened about halfway to work: I started doubting my original interpretation. I had assumed off the bat that I was being dually addressed as both GENIUS and ASSHOLE, but when I critically examine the content it kind of looks like it was signed ASSHOLE. With that perspective the entire meaning of the letter is up for question.
That makes me mad just reading it. I def. have road rage… and the worst part is my car horn doesn’t work. I wanna get a megaphone.
Maybe it was written in a blinding moment of clarity.
I believe the problem here was a lack of detailed vocabulary. Allow me to reinterpret.
Considerate patron of unquestionable intellect-
Your prudent decision to park here has enlightened me. Though I have been parking here for work with invariable frequency, I suddenly realize that I have no legal rights to this space and have thusly been gambling my punctuality on a public space that may or may not be available to suit my needs. Fortunately this has not derred me too much today and I can remedy the situation without severe retribution. Thank you for unwittingly bringing this to my attention at such a timely hour.
Yours truly-
A gravely inconsiderate oaf.
Maybe it was written in a blinding moment of clarity.
I believe the problem here was a lack of detailed vocabulary. Allow me to interpret.
Considerate patron of unquestionable intellect-
Your prudent decision to park here has enlightened me. Though I have been parking here for work with invariable frequency, I suddenly realize that I have no legal rights to this space and have thusly been gambling my punctuality on a public space that may or may not be available to suit my needs. Fortunately this has not deterred me too much today and I can remedy the situation without severe retribution. Thank you for unwittingly bringing this to my attention at such a timely hour.
Yours truly-
A gravely inconsiderate oaf.
GENIUS,
CAN I BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR?
THANKS,
ASSHOLE
GENIUS,
I GET NAUSEOUS EVERY TIME I VISIT
THIS BLOG
THANKS,
ASSHOLE
That’s just harsh, Guy.
IT’S NAUSEATED, ASSHOLE.