holy shit, is that for real? holy holy hell. to be honest, i didn’t laugh out loud until he fell off the ladder onto the liquor display. how did he survive that burglary?

That liquor store is a danger to public health. I hope he knows a good personal injury attorney.

This may be urban legend: I’ve heard the tale of a robber suing an home owner when the robber took some pills from a home and it turns out the pills were mislabeled so he was hurt when it turns out he stole the wrong medication.

Your Honor, there was no warning sign on the outside of the store that the store may contain peanuts! My client is allergic to peanuts!

defense attorney: Your Honor, my client has been subjected to CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!

judge: It doesn’t count when the cruel and unusual punishment is self-inflicted by a brainless bonehead.

defense attorney: Dammit.

judge: Would you ask your client to please remove the barbeque fork from his shoulder blade?

defense attorney: My client stole that barbeque fork. It had ZERO warnings on the package about the inherent risks and dangers! YOUR HONOR, SOMEONE IS LIABLE HERE!

judge: And someone is a SOULLESS TWIT.

defense attorney: Dammit.