Fruit Loops Frighten Me

Most all decent cereals (excluding the ultra-hippy) come in a box. But that cereal is not contained in a box, it is contained in a bag inside a box. Why the redundant containment? I’m guessing there was some governmental mandate put in place to test the capacity of our nation’s landfills. Cereal companies are just doing their part, you know. The bags are these plasticy pillows with a milky translucence – except for Fruit Loops. These fuckers are some sort of silvery paper made with what can only be asbestos. Why the difference? Why the opaqueness? Are Fruit Loops somehow reactive with photons? Does light dull the unicorn-shit intensity of the colors? And what’s with those colors? When I was a kid they came in two different colors: Brown and light-brown. Now the box advertises its contents as “a rainbow of carcinogens.” It’s unfathomable that parents would buy this for their kids, but it’s equally perplexing why they would let them zonk out in front of anime – anime for chrissakes!

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